You Don’t Need More Confidence: Contribution Before Certainty

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Hello everyone and welcome to the Dr. Sam Collins podcast. I’m going to talk today about something that I don’t really want to talk about and that is confidence, women and confidence. Why I don’t I want to talk about this? Because you certainly do not need to listen to another podcast about confidence. There’s so much out there about confidence. Confidence is a complete myth. I know there’s this whole thing like you can

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become more confident, fake it till you make it, you don’t want to be overconfident, and I do believe that we get stuck in such a big loop of confidence and so many of us believing that we can’t do certain things, speak up, public speak, do a podcast, write something, apply for a job until we have this miraculous confidence that sort of suddenly uh in in covers us and we’re all so perfect

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and ready for everything. I don’t believe it’s actually even a thing. So, I don’t want to talk about confidence. I do though want to talk about courage and where it comes from, how to get more of it, and how to have it as a sustainable force in your life. Now, as much as I loved the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, I don’t love feeling fear. Fear

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is very debilitating for me. It makes me worry. It makes me anxious. It makes me do lots of spreadsheets where I do things like pros and cons and then I’m analyzing it and rather than it making me feel any better, most of the time it makes me feel worse and stops me doing things. And I get the whole thing that fear is there for to protect you and keep you safe and the rest of it, but a focus on fear I have not found to be terrifically

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helpful. Also, when people tell me things like, “Okay, what motivates you? You know, if you do apply for the job, you’re going to feel more confident and you’re going to be able to achieve your potential and all of this stuff.” It still doesn’t work for me personally. I just feel like even worse and even more scared. And I am, I think, at the most natural me, quite a sort of cautious, risk-averse type

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person. So, I have had to learn learn how to be more courageous. And I want to share how I’ve done that and how it’s made me so much freer and giving me the ability to have much better life for myself and also to be able to contribute to others in the world and I think in a much better way. So, if you’d like a bit more courage, now’s the time to stop

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whatever you’re doing and listen in, all right? I remember one time, some years ago, had a consultancy piece of work on gender equality in a law firm, big global law firm, and I was terrified at this whole idea because I didn’t really think I knew what I was doing. But, you know, um there are smart people and they wanted me to work with their female partners and coach them to

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be more satisfied in their jobs and to be better role models and mentors. And after doing that for some time, I realized it was actually nothing to do with the women and the women were all great, just grossly overworked and judged and having to really survive in quite a traditional male-oriented environment. It was actually many of the male partners, or more importantly, the culture and system of the industry in general and how this particular law firm ran itself. And so,

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I decided that if I was going to make any kind of real significant difference, I needed to be in conversation with the senior partners of this law firm who at that time, not now, but at that time, were all men and quite traditional men in their thinking. And so, this was all absorbing for me and I remember anyway, I was on I was out and I was walking with my husband. We were out for a walk. I remember the kids were really little and I was God, I’m I’m I’m worried about

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this. I don’t really know what to say to them. Whenever I say anything, they they they fight me. You know, they’re they objection, you know, they object and they they want the data, they want the analysis, they want the research and I just find myself going round and round in circles with these guys. Anyway, I remember my husband, bless him, Robert, he said to me, “You know what, Sam?” And he comes out with these really random, irritating, but very powerful one-liners a lot. We’re walking

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along and he said, “Sam, your courage muscle” Oh, okay. He said, “Your courage muscle is very flabby.” And I thought, “You, what do you mean my courage muscle is very flabby?” He said, “Yeah.” He said, “Your your courage muscle, you know, you need to imagine like you go to the gym and it’s not a physical muscle and you need to strengthen that muscle.” And I used this moments where I just punch him in the face. Not not literally. Don’t describe that. Anyway. So, I was going to think, “Courage muscle.” Well, he

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said, “Yes. “courage is something that you can learn. You can get better at. You can can become more courageous.” Now, I actually really liked this idea because it’s not I didn’t see it as a sort of some people are really courageous. You know, you look out into the world and you see people and you think, “Oh my god, they’re so brave. They’re so courageous. How do they do the things that they do? That’s not me. I just don’t have that gene. I don’t have that part of me that has that inbuilt courage. But what I’ve learned

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from Robert, from my work, and from many extraordinary people I’ve had the privilege to work with is that it’s totally and utterly learnable and you can develop it and grow it like you would a physical muscle in the gym. I loved this idea because I don’t really like the gym, either. And whenever I’ve gone into the gym, I’ve never really been able to sustain the gym cuz I go in and I try and do too much too soon. So, the idea as well with

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this courage muscle, if you want to go with me on this, is that we can build it up slowly. You can do 10 reps and then the next day you can do 10 reps again and the next day you can think, “I don’t want to go to the gym. I’m going to eat ice cream. I’m going to do no reps.” Then the day after that, you can go back and feel really guilty cuz you ate ice cream the day before and actually do 20 reps and improve yourself over time. And I think this is really phenomenal. Lula, phenomenal. So, that’s the first thing I want you to understand that courage is learnable and it can grow over time.

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Second thing though is how do you do it? People would say things like step outside of your comfort zone and because that’s where the magic happens and in that place is when you become all this brave and courageous person. Again, I’m not a massive fan of stepping out of the comfort zone because it doesn’t feel very good. It’s uncomfortable, naturally, because the comfort zone’s nice. But so doing things that are uncomfortable is not my favorite thing. So pushing yourself to do something uncomfortable. So people do this all the time like, “Okay, I’m going to cycle

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across the UK. I’m going to walk across Africa or whatever good is that is completely wonderful but insane.” We push ourselves to do things just to kind of make, you know, this kind of idea of like make yourself do it. Well, I know some people do have success with that. It’s never really worked for me or if it works, it’s very short-term. I can definitely make myself go to the gym. Maybe I can make myself go to the gym if

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I’ve stepped on the scales and I’m really overweight. I’m not fitting into my clothes or I’ve got a goal of a party or a holiday or whatever stupid thing’s coming up, right? Yes, I can make myself do it. But then I’ll get a little bit fitter and I’ll stop going to the gym. I’m not interested anymore. It’s not sustainable. Are you anyone you resonating with me like push yourself out of your comfort zone all this stuff? It’s just such crap, all right? So instead of push yourself out of your comfort zone, I have found that pulling

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myself into something that I really want, something positive. Now I’m not talking about I want to get into a size eight. Not I’ve done that for a very long time, probably since I was 12 years old. A size eight clothing or I want to look amazing for the debut of whatever crap is going on. Now I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about pulling myself into something that is really important to me that also is something that I’m

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passionate about seeing as a change in the outside world and it’s going to benefit other people. Now I think this is really important. I am not talking about sacrificing yourself for some worthy cause. I’m not talking about that. What I am talking about is that we we women, and not all not just women, but this is a very, I’m going to say, genetically, biologically, whatever part of us,

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we will do more. We’re wired this way. I don’t know what it is, the mother instinct, whether we’re technically mothers or not, the mothering in us. We are wired to do more for other people than we would do for ourselves. That’s something that causes lots of problems and causes us to not look after ourselves and there’s so much on self-care you can find, but also I am talking about leveraging that for good. Meaning that if you have other people in

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mind, you are much more likely to be motivated and have more courage to do things that you wouldn’t normally do. I have seen now whether it’s true or not or whatever, you can fight me on it, but there are incidences out there where a woman has lifted a car because there’s a loved one trapped underneath the car. What’s going on? Cuz

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if you said to that woman, “Could you please go and lift the car?” She probably I wouldn’t be able to lift a car, but I would like do my utmost to lift that car if someone I loved, really if anyone, is underneath the car. You find some apparently a testosterone and other chemicals and you find some kind of superhuman strength because it’s not just about ourselves or something abstract, it’s because we are focused on those that we love and we care about.

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We’re much more likely to do more. We’re going to apply for that promotion if we need to provide for our family. We’re going to speak up at our kids’ school if our kid is getting bullied. We’re going to speak up in the meeting if we’re sick and tired of how the organization treats us and treats people around us. We’re going to apply to be a politician or local government if we just can’t stand

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that there’s so many people homeless now in our community and we just can’t be that person that keeps walking by and thinking it’s someone else’s problem. So, when we are focused on what we care about, who we care about, we become more courageous. Going back to my story, when Robert was telling me you need to improve your courage muscle and I’m thinking my courage you he’s telling me my courage muscle is flabby. How do I improve my courage muscle? He said, “The

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women that you’re working with right now, those women that are tired and frustrated in this law firm, those that feel like there is no change ever going to happen, that the structure and system of how it runs will never be any different, those that you’re working with that believe that they would never become or would never want to become the senior partner or a managing partner in that law firm,

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and if they did, they would be able to really have an influence and an impact to change probably generations of women and young women and young men coming into that law firm, those that believe that that is impossible, can you have them in your mind’s eye when you are talking to the male partners? And rather than seeing them as adversaries, is that the right word? Forgive me, I never quite say the right word, you know, opponents. Rather than seeing them

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as opponents, rather than seeing them as difficult and having them shut you down, and rather than feeling that you have to fight, that this is an opportunity for you to be courageous in your points of view, and if it doesn’t come out right, just like it just didn’t just then, if you don’t say it in quite the right way, if they don’t believe you, if they think that you’re too young, too female, too emotional, whatever it is, it’s going to enable you, Sam, to develop stronger arguments,

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to develop more articulate arguments, to understand how to convince them, how to influence them, which are skills that would be amazing for you to develop and help you to create the changes that you want to change. So, it was almost like I could feel the, you know, this army of of of amazing uh female partners and associates behind me as I was having these conversations. And that, having them in my mind’s eye, that

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enabled me to be more courageous. It enabled me to build my flabby, still a bit flabby, my flabby courage muscles into ones that would became more toned, more able to handle and weather a storm. They enabled me to become bolder, and in doing that, enabled me to have more of an influence and more of an impact, and enabled me to be able to teach others to have that,

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too. All right? And so, I wanted to share this with you, that courage is completely and utterly learnable over time, slowly, slowly, slowly. It’s something we can actually work at. It comes from inside. And the The point and key to that developing that courage is first understand that it’s learnable. It’s not some genetic gift that some people get and some people don’t. And that when we have a passion,

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a cause, others in our minds eye very strongly that is important to us, we will stand up more. We will have more courage because it’s something that we believe in and we want to see that change. Perhaps think something that you wouldn’t normally. Perhaps you finish work a little earlier than you would normally. A very courageous and rebellious action for many. Perhaps you have more sleep. Then we have we create a place where we can

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develop a platform where we are able to articulate our arguments more eloquently. We’re able to influence and convince. We’re able to deal much better with rejection and objection and even get to a point where we might even welcome that kind of objection and rejection because it’s giving us a chance to make an even bigger difference

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in the world and focus on our communication style and be authentic and and make the difference that we were all born to make. So, this isn’t about becoming suddenly fearless and not having fear. I am scared of something pretty much every day. They can be small things, they can be large things. I’m a pretty anxious person, but I I put that in one

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box, anxiety and fear, and I’m rather than focusing on overcoming those, I think they will probably be with me in that box and I want to keep them as much as I can in that box, as much of my life. Um, but there is another important muscle in my brain and body, and that’s the courage muscle. So, I invite you to find yours and to start toning it up and getting ready and exercising and going to your own courage

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gym and taking baby steps. So, remember, it’s this isn’t about going to the gym and doing too much too soon. That’s how we pull those muscles and we don’t want to go back again. Slowly but surely, perhaps speak up when you wouldn’t normally. Perhaps you eat in a way that is very nourishing and nurturing for yourself. Perhaps you do not feel so guilty though when you do things that you eat too much or you don’t do all of

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the exercise or the things that you said that you were going to do, but you get yourself back on track, back on the train so that you can become consistent in your courage journey. So, thank you for listening to the Dr. Sam Collins podcast today on moving from confidence to fearless to courage. Go be a bit more courageous today. Enjoy yourself doing it and see how you get to in our own small and

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sometimes large individual ways change and shape the world around us. Thank you. And I look forward to next time.